Its funny how you refer to people as your bestfriends throughout life and vouch for them so hard…
I broke down hard this weekend…this morning….hard…
Where were they???
Throwing parties, getting high, at a sex club….
I want to say I don’t care.
I don’t want to feel hurt when I’m already battling so much…
They never reach out but always ready to grab whatever is in my offering hand.
Geez. I didn’t think it would take this long for my body to adjust to these new meds. The past few days have been rough. I’m gaining feeling in my left foot again…but there is still a lot of pain throughout my entire body.
The thing that’s been my saving grace lately has been time in the studio…alone (well, with eddie and dv)…My patience has been tested so many times this week..breaking things. ..putting them back together…conceptualizing my parts and bringing them to live.
I always had trouble articulating my thoughts and emotions…art and writing have been my only outlets. I stopped writing on this blog for a few months now because of how a few of my entries hurt this person thatbused to be in my life and also to really focus on ‘tulips..’ - which I’ve shared with many of you - but it lacked the substance and rawness of everything that I’ve been needing to transcribe out of my tired head.
My therapist always asks me what my deal is…why did I stop writing. Each time, I gave her the same answer, but something in that answer changed yesterday during my morning meditation/journaling session…and I decided to write on here again…about me…for my own sake…my own sake.
Waking up on Thanksgiving morning and deciding to go throgh mail that I haven’t had a chance to comb through probably wasn’t the best idea for me. I don’t know where my turning point was that morning or what it was that exactly made me decide to give up and just live my life and take things as they come…maybe it was the first line of the letter that staryed with “Dear Ms. Lad…., We regret to inform you that… (queue in Charlie Brown’s teacher’s voice)…blah blah blah. Your appointment had automatically been scheduled for 12/14/2013. We will be able to discuss the different paths that are available for you to take…”
I don’t have anyone that depends on me. I don’t have anyone that I take care of or am responsible for except for me. That’s my reality. So I really don’t think I care enough to go through this again.
I’m just tired of people telling me that I am “this”or “that” and not treating me that way….I’m surrounded by empty souls including my own…its painful and numbing at the same time…I want to die but don’t have the balls to off myself…and that is where I give up and just let this disease run its course while still being a badass….
my day is right around the corner and i really thought i was feeling okay. i don’t know what changed since the weekend, but something just doesn’t feel right….
everyone around me is depressed and going through shit…including myself…and it just seems like everyone that i care about that is within 10 miles of me that i care to celebrate with is just not present enough to celebrate.
this feeling sucks….i’m sad and feeling lonely….
You can follow me here and I will still be ‘there’. :)
Thank you for all of your PM’s and warm wishes. Check out the pictures on ‘..tulips…’ from the private street art show where five of my pieces had the honor to show side by side with the works of E. Prakash, Seema B., and K. Anjulatos. 60% of the proceeds from my pieces are going to the LRS (Lymphoma Research Center US)- 2 more pieces to sell.
Please send inquiries for the pieces to email@example.com.
And again, thank you for your support!!!